tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76693927685444289292024-03-21T14:19:02.970-07:00heartaches and happinesslindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-71981005317015699112013-01-24T20:02:00.001-08:002013-01-24T20:02:17.618-08:00RealizationsSo I said this year was going to be about fixing my brokenness... I've been thinking a lot about how to go about doing that. Most of my problems center around a lack of self esteem or a crappy sense of self worth, or no self confidence... Whatever you want to call it. <br />
I figured if I can fix that I can fix everything else too. How does one gain self esteem or improve their self image or think they are worthy of good things and love and being treated kindly.<br />
I decided to make a list of words that I would use to describe myself:<br />
I am:<br />
Smart<br />
Funny<br />
Kind<br />
Generous<br />
Compassionate<br />
Empathetic <br />
<br />
And this is where I run out of things, I start to feel conceited for saying these things.<br />
<br />
Then the very next thought I have is 'but you're fat.' <br />
<br />
I realized that I have decided that the extra 25 lbs I'm carrying around negate all those things, that the extra weight make me unworthy to receive love or to be treated good. I worry if i go on a date that whoever I'm with will be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I self sabotage good relationships/friendships so that I don't hafta hear them tell me they don't want me because I'm fat. <br />
<br />
I don't even know where to begin to fix this. I don't have the energy to work out right now but i also don't think it's as easy as just losing the weight. <br />
<br />
I think this is going to be a long, tough year.lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-25860574428805505242013-01-01T18:04:00.001-08:002013-01-01T18:04:28.084-08:00Hopefulness"I myself am entirely made of flaws stitched together with good intentions"<br />
<br />
I am broken. I have been for as long as I can remember. I'm really good at fixing broken things, I just can't fix myself. It's extremely frustrating to recognize everything that is wrong with me and want to change it and not know how. I don't even know where to start. <br />
<br />
I've never been good at setting and accomplishing goals. I'm a quitter. When things get hard I quit. The only thing I've never quit at is parenting, but I've thought about it... <br />
<br />
I don't like myself. I don't mean Im saying i don't like myself so that people will tell me I'm cool, I really don't like myself. Mostly I hate my physical self. I have since elementary school. One time someone asked me what my favorite physical feature is a out me... I had nothing. Now I can say that sometimes with the right makeup I like my eyes. Baby steps people...<br />
<br />
I'm not a great mom. I'm impatient, I'm inconsistent, I get angry and I'm not good at teaching them things. I am failing miserably at this oh so important task. Nothing in this life or the next is more important and I suck royally at it. <br />
<br />
I have a testimony but at times it's pretty shaky. I'm easily swayed and that makes me dislike myself even more... I don't read scriptures or say prayers regularly at all...<br />
<br />
When kimber asked me what my resolution was I about cried... My resolution is to not be broken. I want to be whole, I want to like me, I want to like being a mom again, I want my kids to like me again. I don't want to feel like an outsider at church. I want to know how to set attainable goals but mostly I want to feel important enough to change...<br />
<br />
Here's to 2013... The year of being unbroken lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-51540718373562425432012-11-14T13:58:00.001-08:002012-11-14T13:58:13.422-08:00Postpartum perfection<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">so, i've been wanting to write this for a while. benson is almost 3 months already so i guess just over 2 months now. i think we, as women are especially hard on ourselves, and each other. maybe it's just me but i always feel so much pressure to be perfect. i compare myself to almost every other woman i see. am i as pretty as her, am i as fat as her or is she fatter than me, are her clothes cuter than mine, is she a better mom than me, she gets to volunteer in her kids' class and her hair is curled and she's thin... blah blah blah. i've judged myself a lot, not given myself permission to forgive myself and continue to compare myself to all of you. this is has gotten even worse over the last year, even more so since having benson. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">after leaving benson's dad almost a year ago and finding out i was pregnant two weeks later i about fell apart. i went into our marriage knowing i wasn't in love, almost like a business deal, i knew together we'd be able to provide for our girls better than we could apart, i could be a mom to his daughter, he could be a dad to my girls etc, we wanted the same things out of life long term (or so he said). so even though this wasn't the ideal, perfect situation or reason to be getting married i was completely fine with it. imagine my surprise when it didn't work out exactly like i had planned. my world came crashing in on me the night he was arrested for domestic violence. i couldn't believe i was dealing with this a second time and that i had given up my house and a good job and uprooted the girls all for nothing. i was so embarrassed to know that i was going to be twice divorced, realizing at 29 years old that i was going to be single for the rest of my life (i don't think 3rd time's the charm applies to marriage). what would everyone at church think? what would the people who had tried to warn me about him think? what would my girls think, would they be ok? this definitely made me a worse mom than all of you. i couldn't let that keep me in that relationship though, however hard things were going to be for me and the girls it would be better than staying.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">we left, stayed in a hotel for a week before we could move into our temporary home. we went from our own 3 bedroom house with a huge yard, to the beautiful 5 bedroom house with a huge yard to a little 2 bedroom condo. it was hard but we were grateful to have somewhere to live. the week of Christmas i found out i was pregnant. i was literally devastated. i am ashamed to admit that i spent the first 3 months praying for a miscarriage. it wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to my girls and most importantly it wasn't fair to that little baby to be brought into this world with only me as a parent. when i went to my first appointment and saw the little bean on the ultrasound i sobbed, it was official. there was no pretending anymore that i was just getting fatter. i was gonna have a baby. by that point benson's dad had already told me that he didn't want anything to do with our baby. i had to start preparing myself to do it alone. prepping myself to be a working, single mom to 4 kids, one of whom was a newborn! i was scared out of my mind. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i had some support, i had friends who were (continue to be) amazing, but the people that i needed to support me the most didn't. at least not in the way i would've liked. it was an extremely difficult and lonely time, probably the longest 9 months of my life. i had a lot of complications with this pregnancy and in fact 3 weeks before i was due i started to wonder if i would be able to do it alone, maybe i should give this baby up for adoption. i didn't feel connected to him at all, even the delivery was the hardest out of all of my 4 deliveries.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i expected his birth to be some kind of amazing, beautiful moment where i finally connected with this baby i had been carrying for 9 months. i didn't even cry, i felt like i was having an out of body experience almost. then i felt guilty for not crying when he was born. i looked at him across the delivery room and i liked him, he was so cute but he could've been anyone's baby. i remember thinking how odd that felt and for being so disappointed in myself for not feeling that connection. i was counting on the fact that i would feel that once he was born.when i nursed him right after they cleaned him up i still didn't feel anything, it was totally surreal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">they took us to the postpartum room and wheeled his little bassinet to the far side of the bed, i laid down with my back to him. i remember having to make myself turn over and look at him and still not feeling that maternal connection. i was devastated. i don't know if was because i had been up so long and i was exhausted or what but i just didn't feel it. i did finally make that connection with him a few hours after he was born. it was great but almost as soon as i made that connection something in my brain switched, i knew i would be getting visitors soon. i was so worried about how i looked, how fat i was (yes i had just given birth 4 hours prior) i wanted to get into some regular clothes, shower get some makeup on, so i did. i was humiliated every time someone came to visit. all i could think about was how they must be judging me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">when it was time to go home i felt amazing, i was so excited to have 6 weeks to spend with my little guy, the girls were all in school so i would just get to snuggle him all day. i couldn't wait to start running again, i hadn't felt so good physically since before i got pregnant. i cancelled some of the meals that were scheduled to be brought in because i was feeling so great. 10 days postpartum i bought a treadmill and went for my first jog. it wasn't fast or very long but it felt amazing! i would lose weight and be back in shape and ready to run my first 5k by the time i had to go back to work. people wouldn't be able to judge me. i was gonna have my $hit together. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">14 days postpartum things changed. there were many days that i didn't get dressed, i couldn't get dressed. i would take the girls to school and come home and lay on the couch and hope that he would sleep for long periods of time. it was literally ALL i could do to feed him. i don't remember a lot of those days. i was completely uninterested in him. then i started having the panic attacks, i would wake up in the night heart racing, sweating, short of breath, or there were several times benson and i would be driving down the road and because i couldn't see him in the back seat or hear him i would start to think something was wrong, i would start hyperventilating and i would literally have to pull my car over to check on him. we stopped going places most of the time unless i had to. i started imaging all these horrible scenarios of things that would happen to him when i went back to work, i was certain he was gonna end up harmed in some way if i wasn't there to take care of him. i was a mess, i had completely fallen apart. i couldn't work out and i didn't want to associate with anyone most days. there were days people would knock on the door and i wouldn't/couldn't get up to answer the door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"> this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, i had just brought this beautiful, sweet boy into this world and i should be so happy. instead almost every single task felt huge and overwhelming. i couldn't handle most normal daily activities, but even worse than that i was humiliated that i was feeling this way. i didn't want to tell anyone because i didn't want them to know that i wasn't perfect. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i suffered through it mostly alone for weeks and when it got to be almost time to go back to work i realized that it wasn't getting better. i went to my dr and he validated everything i was feeling, put me on some medication and told me i wasn't a horrible person. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">it's been terribly difficult for me to admit that i needed help, that i couldn't handle it all on my own. i wanted to write it down, i don't know how many people will read this but if even one person reads it and she feels like she's not alone then great! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i'm trying to be less judgemental of others but more importantly of myself. it's ok to have days where things aren't pretty, where the house isn't clean and my hair isn't perfect. it's ok that i didn't feel that immediate connection with benson. it's ok that it's taken me longer than i want to be able to run my first post-baby 5k or that i'm only 5 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. it's even ok that i made the mistake of marrying benson's dad, it was a mistake but the consequence was beautiful. </span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-11714196796828458122012-02-09T12:32:00.000-08:002012-02-09T12:33:56.600-08:00Starting overMay 12, 2011. July 1, 2011. October 21, 2011. December 9, 2011. December 20, 2011. Jan 4, 2012<br />
These are dates that changed my life. Looking back I can feel a little piece of me breaking off on each of these dates. I can feel myself making compromises that I never thought I'd make. I never thought I'd find myself in the position I was in last year. I thought I had made enough changes over the previous 4 years that I would never be there again. Clearly I was wrong. <br />
May 12, 2011- The day I said I'd marry him.<br />
July 1, 2011- The day we got married.<br />
October 21, 2011- The night he spent in jail for DV.<br />
December 9, 2011- The day I left.<br />
December 20, 2011- The day I found out I am carrying his child.<br />
January 4, 2012- The day he told me never to contact him again and that he wanted nothing to do with this baby.<br />
<br />
There are so many days that I am overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to be a working mom, a single mom and a mom of a newborn. I'm not sure how to wear all of those hats. There are so many days, especially now as my belly is growing, that I worry about what people are thinking and saying as I walk by. I have a baby in my belly and no ring on my hand. I am scared to death of the judgements of people I don't know. I recognize this is ridiculous, if I don't know them it shouldn't matter what they think of me. I guess I'm more afraid of the judgements from the people who do know me, who might know my situation and who have formed their own opinion. <br />
<br />
I am so worried about my sweet daughters, I barely have enough time for them now. How am I supposed to manage all of this. <br />
<br />
I am trying to lean on the Lord, it's easier said than done, at least for me. I'm trying to lean on my friends, but I'm sure they're getting sick of me being so stressed all the time. Besides, those people wont be there for the 2am feedings, or to help me at 6am when I have to get 4 little ones out the door. The thought of having to go back to work 6 short weeks after this baby is born is paralyzing. I've got to get used to doing things on my own again. <br />
<br />
I had a new outlook when I woke up this morning. I was talking to a friend last night, telling him that i feel like an epic failure. I explained away warning signs, i believed someone who i probably shouldn't have, i didn't listen to the one Voice i should've listened to. He helped me remember that I got married because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls, and that I left because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls. He reminded me that nearly everything I do is for those girls and that, yes I made a mistake, but I rectified it as soon as I possibly could.<br />
<br />
Tonight I'm going to go home, hug my babies, be thankful that the damage is minor, that we still have each other and find a reason to laugh with them. Then tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again.lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-23656829185880472992011-11-21T08:42:00.000-08:002011-11-21T08:50:20.531-08:00bravery<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">You need to go <a href="http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html" target="_blank">here</a> and read this. I don't care what your stance is on homosexuality, this is about SO much more than that. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was my response to his article.</span><br />
<br />
I just got around to reading your post. Bravo to you! 3 Cheers for you! I was raised Mormon, am still practicing and believe the doctrines I've been taught. I have an issue with those around me who can't accept someone who is gay, look down on those that struggle with addiction issues etc. I have often said my personal beliefs and some of my religious beliefs conflict each other. It's not my place to tell two people who are in love that they can't get married, regardless of what my religion teaches. I am on my second marriage, and unfortunately i'm not sure this one's going to last, but i know people who are gay who have been together for many, many years. their love is likely deeper than anything i've ever felt, they have taken the sanctity of marriage more serious than i did, even though they've never been married. i agree that we need to love everyone, the only thing that struck me a little bit is talking about spouse abusers and loving and accepting them. maybe this is where i get hung up, loving and accepting someone isn't the same as loving and accepting their choices or behaviors. maybe that's the secret to life, loving people sometimes in spite of the choices they've made. thank you for being brave enough to say what so many others wouldn't.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another</span>.lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-38607299428946208382011-11-15T06:54:00.000-08:002011-11-15T06:54:37.084-08:00heartache<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">after<span style="font-size: x-large;"> a lot </span><span style="font-size: small;">of prayer about what has been going on in my home, i realized that prayer by itself isn't going to give me an answer, i have come up with several solutions that feel good and then something happens that makes that solution not seem like a viable one anymore. i have realized that i'm impatient when waiting for answers to prayers, especially in this situation because i want an immediate plan of action. even if i can't act on it immediately, i want to know what i'm going to do. i did come up with a plan that felt good but then things escalated here again and i didn't know if i could wait long enough to be able to carry out that plan. although i will say that even as i'm sitting here contemplating it, that plan feels the most peaceful. i didn't know where to turn in the scriptures for answers about what i'm dealing so i turned <a href="http://lds.org/ensign/1999/10/a-conversation-on-spouse-abuse?lang=eng&query=abuse" target="_blank">here</a> which also took me to <a href="http://lds.org/ensign/2006/03/stop-using-words-that-hurt?lang=eng&query=abuse" target="_blank">here.</a> i learned a lot, some of it uplifting. the first article told me pretty much what i was looking for, i don't believe there is a physical safety issue but the verbal stuff is nearly unbearable. i have been ready to walk out the door, especially since my husband hasn't done anything to initiate the counseling that is needed, and doesn't even seem to think he's doing anything wrong but since i'm a stay-at-home mom now, i have no money to leave, no house to go to, no job to support my kids. i have felt like maybe i should wait it out, let the girls finish out the school year here and see if the court ordered counseling actually does some good. i am a firm believer that any two people can make a marriage work IF they are both working on it. things were particularly nasty this weekend and i was on the hunt for a job and a house and i was gonna get out as soon as i could, then after two days of hell, he came to me and told me he had made an appointment with our bishop. that crucial first step, but i had felt good about making the decision to leave and to do it as quickly as i am able. i submitted a bunch of resumes, even got a call for an interview, but i woke up this morning feeling like i shouldn't go to that interview, and that maybe i need to stick with that original plan. see, what i got out of that first article is that the Lord doesn't expect us to stay if it is unsafe, but we are required to forgive and we should be committed to our marriage (no matter how new it is) if the other person is putting forth effort too. the second article made me realize that i have a lot of work to do on my own, and how i speak to my children. it breaks my heart to think that i might be making them feel even a portion of what he is making me feel. letting my frustrations and hurt seep into my parenting is absolutely inexcusable. so, i guess this is a lot of rambling just to say as long as he's willing to go through the counseling i need to be willing to do it with him. i didn't get married just so i could divorced 5 months later, i really feel like this could be really good if he can get control of his anger. i guess since i have no where else to go right now anyway, this is the best option. here's to hoping... </span></span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-72204093594454395892011-11-08T07:31:00.000-08:002011-11-08T07:31:38.650-08:00heartache<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i recognize that trials are a part of life. i feel like i've definitely had my fair share (and then some) but who doesn't. i am particularly struggling as of late, i've tried to come up with solutions to my problem and nothing i come up with seems to be right. i've relied on the Lord and still haven't gotten an answer. i don't know if i'm being impatient (which is probably true) or if i just suck at receiving answers to prayers... as i'm writing this i realize that i could do more to fully immerse myself in the things the Lord would have me do, and maybe that's why i haven't received an answer yet, or maybe it's just too soon to mkae a move, i'm not sure but whatever it is, it's making me feel very unsettled and i don't like feeling that way. what do you do when you're struggling?</span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-22633913457707005422011-11-02T16:10:00.000-07:002011-11-02T16:10:37.726-07:00heartachethe news was on while i was making dinner tonight. <a href="http://www.azfamily.com/news/New-details-as-search-for-missing-girl-stretches-into-third-week-133044233.html" target="_blank">the story</a> about the missing 5 year old girl from glendale came on. my sweet 5 year old, ellie watched the entire story right up to the end asking anyone with info to call silent witness. she came into me and asked "mama do you know where that little girl is?" i of course had to tell her noe. she then said "i wish we knew where she was, i just want to get her home safe."lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-853652201358265662011-11-02T14:51:00.000-07:002011-11-02T14:53:12.625-07:00happiness<a href="http://thecolorrun.com/about/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> looks absolutely amazing! when we moved to casa grande i let myself get lazy. before we moved i was running a 5k or very close to it on my lunch break nearly every day. the last time i ran anything close to that was almost 6 months ago. running became very therapeutic for me, relaxing, and gave me a sense of accomplishment. i decided that <a href="http://thecolorrun.com/about/" target="_blank"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">this</span></a> will be my first official back to running race... find something that you love and do it!</span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-26719706581841379822011-11-02T10:19:00.000-07:002011-11-02T10:19:42.206-07:00happiness<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i am grateful that i can find joy in little things! the last few times i made cookies they kept turning out flat and not fluffy like i am used to. i finally realized it was the butter (margarine) i had used. well when we were at the grocery store the other day i found these:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLBpTbwUes8ch6bI3wMrqvWsHOAzsNjfCc8U1iuAlCUNnP9TRZ8tu7DxkVzCLs_Ijz93gYEcdHe9uxHKzsm3SV2axhN7O4XvvQw0cvSY29-9iBt-2-HWAf57SG_aB4VFz1ifn1t_v8hMs/s1600/crisco.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLBpTbwUes8ch6bI3wMrqvWsHOAzsNjfCc8U1iuAlCUNnP9TRZ8tu7DxkVzCLs_Ijz93gYEcdHe9uxHKzsm3SV2axhN7O4XvvQw0cvSY29-9iBt-2-HWAf57SG_aB4VFz1ifn1t_v8hMs/s320/crisco.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">they made all the difference in the world. my cookies turned out nearly perfect. see:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2maPS7gemSw-ea5gZRW2AXopBykiN12LOefAXBVvi5Yo_h5amBgNbD5BWx-D-Gq0J66u1RkSuxLJVRdKwy4HkV_8a4HS0jeGg_zrcFmwTHIFZynYMnX2OcDVwr5eN-Y2DVbyfjdr0vaU/s1600/cookies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2maPS7gemSw-ea5gZRW2AXopBykiN12LOefAXBVvi5Yo_h5amBgNbD5BWx-D-Gq0J66u1RkSuxLJVRdKwy4HkV_8a4HS0jeGg_zrcFmwTHIFZynYMnX2OcDVwr5eN-Y2DVbyfjdr0vaU/s320/cookies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">yay for finding joy in simple things!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-41596086492268945552011-11-01T11:03:00.000-07:002011-11-01T11:03:42.080-07:00heartaches to happiness<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">sometime last year i was going through a rough time, struggling with something. i don't remember what it was but a dear friend, a true example of Christianity, surprised me with a beautiful card. i saved it and found it the other day. the words brought tears to me eyes:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">If i could sum up</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">what's on my heart for you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">during this crazy time, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">it would be one word-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">hope.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">what you're going through</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">is really hard and</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">out of your control-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">out of anyone's control-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">that is... anyone but God.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">He is the author of HOPE,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">the giver of HOPE,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">and will bring you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">the power of HOPE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">to help you hang on</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">and keep believing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">that He can change things</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">for the good.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I want you to know</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i'm hanging on to HIS HOPE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">and will be here praying for you-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">as long as it takes</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">by His mighty power at work within us,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">He is able to accomplish infinitely more</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">than we would dare to ask or hope.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Ephesians 3:20 NLT</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">i read just the other day that "the problem isn't the problem, the way you react tp the problem is often the problem"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">it was such a simple yet profound statement, i wanted to argue with it but every example i could come up with could be explained away. no matter what we're going through, no matter what heartache we're dealing with, we can turn it into happiness with HOPE! think about it! nothing we experience hasn't been experienced before and nothing we experience can't be overcome with the the help of the Lord. this is such a beautiful realization to me!!! </span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-10463494398371356922011-11-01T07:44:00.000-07:002011-11-01T07:44:10.025-07:00happiness<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hopefully all of november will bring "happiness" posts. i try really hard to focus on the positives, all my many blessings. of course some days negativity gets the best of me but especially this month i'm going to try to focus on all the things i'm grateful for. i know that a gratitude journal has been done many, many times and i hope some of you will follow suit and write your own!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">last night was such a fun night! we kept it simple and went to our ward chili cook-off/ trunk-or-treat then went to rob's parents' neighborhood and did a little trick-or-treating. watching the girls have fun getting candy and getting compliments on their costumes was such a sweet reminder of how grateful i am to be a mom. i love all 4 of my beautiful daughters!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilI4NTGUY7nGysNxECfIA0XZaO3NImfEOTbEiiVL3CwtuyDbAisd-nOhp8c1ZsqAdnfyGXV8Cv5uGtkNyvqrymz58QYmzqaTiCiTCLm3cD2QKS8m8DT7FJ2xUHehIIuWHj15tsaokLQMI/s1600/388228_10150353782200886_521550885_8375472_848753986_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilI4NTGUY7nGysNxECfIA0XZaO3NImfEOTbEiiVL3CwtuyDbAisd-nOhp8c1ZsqAdnfyGXV8Cv5uGtkNyvqrymz58QYmzqaTiCiTCLm3cD2QKS8m8DT7FJ2xUHehIIuWHj15tsaokLQMI/s320/388228_10150353782200886_521550885_8375472_848753986_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-24636176955991711512011-10-27T16:26:00.000-07:002011-10-27T16:26:15.847-07:00heartache or happiness? you decidei was cleaning out some drawers yesterday and came across a talk i gave about 3 years ago:<br />
<br />
Ether 12: 6 reads, "and now, i, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things i would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith..." having faith in Christ seems like a very basic and simple idea. however, for some of us it doesn't always come so easily. Elder Richard G Scott said, "it is important for us to trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance." when we are going through trials and hardships often times is it is all too easy to blame the Lord, even though most of the time the bulk of the responsibility for our own problems falls on our own shoulders. we should really be thanking the Lord for the opportunity he has given us to grow and learn from our trials. Elder Nelson said, "we will not overcome a trial or challenge until we have received the full benefit of it." when i heard that quote in relief society a few weeks ago i started thinking about the last years of my life and how much i could have benefited from having that knowledge. i got married at 18 and almost immediately after my life took a turn down a road that i wasn't expecting or could have prepared. my husband was verbally and physically abusive to me off and on for years and consequently we separated 3 times, however each time he would ask to come back. being raised in the gospel i didn't want my family to be broken up, so each time he asked to come back i prayed about it and each time i had the distinct impression that i should give things another try. there were many times that i questioned the Lord's plan for me and my girls and why He would want us to endure such heartache. i felt as if i had done everything in my power to keep my little family together and there were several occasions that i wondered what i was supposed to be learning. a little over a year ago things got pretty bad and i knew it was finally time to leave for good. i knew that we had endured the hardship long enough. i thought for sure things would be easier for us, and while they have been in some ways, i could never have imagined the new trials we would have to face. over the past year i had to do as Elder Richard G Scott said "and never doubt the reality of faith." i had to learn how to follow the principles God has established for its use. some of those principles are to simply obey His commandments and live to demonstrate He can trust us, be sensitive to quiet promptings of the Spirit and then act courageously on those promptings. those last two have been difficult for me. i always wanted loud, obvious promptings or answers that required very little faith on my part. i wanted answers given to me without having to work too hard for them. we are counseled to be patient and understanding when God lets us struggle to grow and answers come apiece at a time over an extended period. James 1:3-4 says, "the trying of your faith worketh patience. but let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." i am definitely working on being patient and trying to understand why the Lord wanted me to struggle for so many years. i think i am starting to understand it a little bit more each day. there are goals that i have accomplished recently that i certainly wouldn't have appreciated as much had i not had to work so hard to achieve them. i went through the Temple last saturday and it was a beautiful, fulfilling, enriching experience. i never imagined i would be going through the Temple as a single woman, but that's the beauty of having a Heavenly Father, we don't have to try to imagine how things are going to play out for us. we just have to have faith that He knows what's best for us and know that as long as we are trying our best to follow His commandments and get a little closer to Him every day, He will take care of the rest. He will bestow upon us greater rewards than we can ever imagine. i can testify of that. my life has changed so much over the past year because of small changes that i made. when we keep the Lord's commandments He blesses us, not only because He wants to but because He promises the He will. Hebrews 11:6 says, "but without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." i know that if we have faith in Christ through our trials and just as importantly, through easy times, He will bless us. That promise has not and will not ever change, because the Lord's love for us will never change. i know that faith is the foundation for out testimonies; it and all the other principles of the gospel are true. i know that having faith in Christ means sustaining the leaders he appointed to guide us. i know that President Monson is one of those leaders and that if we obey his commands we will not be led astray.lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-76232035830245994832011-10-27T08:08:00.000-07:002011-10-27T08:08:18.307-07:00heartache<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFnO0rX3YjnrbAG4iGz68U7H1be2DMfrcIVbQnT1R4E4gDzbBEFu36h6EufjxXlH1U3Za0gD5VBdF7eaDTnSMl2ELvkX4wHTstKnzkY9Q0ZDizgzlpMIwKQhFA-SOycBCkS3kOERMhbM/s1600/ellie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFnO0rX3YjnrbAG4iGz68U7H1be2DMfrcIVbQnT1R4E4gDzbBEFu36h6EufjxXlH1U3Za0gD5VBdF7eaDTnSMl2ELvkX4wHTstKnzkY9Q0ZDizgzlpMIwKQhFA-SOycBCkS3kOERMhbM/s320/ellie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sick babies</td></tr>
</tbody></table>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-57847933508828880312011-10-27T06:59:00.000-07:002011-10-27T06:59:29.858-07:00happiness<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with my brother jake being on a mission i kind of feel the need to help the missionaries in our area. we were finally able to have them over for dinner last night. it was so nice to have them here and bring the Spirit with them. we had nice conversation, simple but yummy food, the girls were all perfectly behaved, and we even had ice cream sundaes for dessert. the elders ended the night on a spiritual note. elder schumacher shared a scripture with us: Mosiah 24:12- </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts. <span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">he explained to us that at this time Alma and his people were in prison and were told that they would be killed if they were caught praying. Alma told his people to pray in their hearts, the Lord would know the desires of their hearts. he also said a prayer before they left, he said he was thankful to be in our home and feel of our happiness. things have been fairly tumultuous lately in our home so it made me feel so good to hear that.i'm grateful for the Gospel and the opportunities it affords us to serve and be able to constantly feel the Spirit if we are willing to put forth a little bit of effort.</span></span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-70732827225407444762011-10-26T06:50:00.000-07:002011-10-26T06:50:57.826-07:00heartache<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">kimber, maddy and ellie's dad and i divorced a few years ago</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and for whatever reason he's struggled with being an active parent. i've run through all the emotions that come along with that, most of the time now i don't even think about it, especially now that they have rob. however every once in a while things creep in and bother me. most recently, it was ellie's birthday and he didn't call, neither did anyone in his family. i'm not sure why it bothers me so much, i should just expect it by now, but it does, it also makes me a little bit sad that ellie didn't even notice. when i voiced this opinion someone responded with "</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">Sometimes people have the devils within themselves that take up all their thoughts. Sometimes we're quick to make judgements without realizing the struggles being gone through. For what its worth I hope she had a good birthday"</span></span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I said "</span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">unfortunately this isn't the first time they have been ignored by their family. it's been happening for years. i'm not quick to judge, i know as well as the next guy that people have struggles, i've certainly had my fair share, sometimes we have to put our struggles, selfish desires and egos aside for the sake of the children. since you don't know how many times i've done that maybe you're the one that's being quick to judge. i guess i should stop having expectations of their dad but your mom and i just had several conversations about his side of the family being more involved and not just coming into their lives sporadically, in fact it was my only condition for her seeing them, i will just be grateful that someone stepped in to make up for what your brother isn't willing to do..."</span></span></span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i guess it's time for me to realize that </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist<br />
- Michael Levine</span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7669392768544428929.post-71405868453657773982011-10-26T06:35:00.000-07:002011-10-26T06:35:56.172-07:00Welcome to The Hardee House!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i've never been great about keeping my blog current.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> i figured however, that new life should equal new blog. hopefully now that i have more time i will be able to keep this current with the things i want to record. rob and i are the parents we met at the beginning of 2011 and got married july 1st. it's been a whirlwind and a roller coaster so far but i wouldn't choose anyone else to take this ride with! together we have 4 daughters: courtney is 14, kimber is 9, maddy is 6 and our little ellie just turned 5. i describe our lives as halfway between heaven and hell, full of moments of heartache and happiness. these are some of those moments... </span>lindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08519042436687199535noreply@blogger.com0