Realizations

So I said this year was going to be about fixing my brokenness... I've been thinking a lot about how to go about doing that. Most of my problems center around a lack of self esteem or a crappy sense of self worth, or no self confidence... Whatever you want to call it.
I figured if I can fix that I can fix everything else too. How does one gain self esteem or improve their self image or think they are worthy of good things and love and being treated kindly.
I decided to make a list of words that I would use to describe myself:
I am:
Smart
Funny
Kind
Generous
Compassionate
Empathetic

And this is where I run out of things, I start to feel conceited for saying these things.

Then the very next thought I have is 'but you're fat.'

I realized that I have decided that the extra 25 lbs I'm carrying around negate all those things, that the extra weight make me unworthy to receive love or to be treated good. I worry if i go on a date that whoever I'm with will be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I self sabotage good relationships/friendships so that I don't hafta hear them tell me they don't want me because I'm fat.

I don't even know where to begin to fix this. I don't have the energy to work out right now but i also don't think it's as easy as just losing the weight.

I think this is going to be a long, tough year.

Hopefulness

"I myself am entirely made of flaws stitched together with good intentions"

I am broken. I have been for as long as I can remember. I'm really good at fixing broken things, I just can't fix myself. It's extremely frustrating to recognize everything that is wrong with me and want to change it and not know how. I don't even know where to start.

I've never been good at setting and accomplishing goals. I'm a quitter. When things get hard I quit. The only thing I've never quit at is parenting, but I've thought about it...

I don't like myself. I don't mean Im saying i don't like myself so that people will tell me I'm cool, I really don't like myself. Mostly I hate my physical self. I have since elementary school. One time someone asked me what my favorite physical feature is a out me... I had nothing. Now I can say that sometimes with the right makeup I like my eyes. Baby steps people...

I'm not a great mom. I'm impatient, I'm inconsistent, I get angry and I'm not good at teaching them things. I am failing miserably at this oh so important task. Nothing in this life or the next is more important and I suck royally at it.

I have a testimony but at times it's pretty shaky. I'm easily swayed and that makes me dislike myself even more... I don't read scriptures or say prayers regularly at all...

When kimber asked me what my resolution was I about cried... My resolution is to not be broken. I want to be whole, I want to like me, I want to like being a mom again, I want my kids to like me again. I don't want to feel like an outsider at church. I want to know how to set attainable goals but mostly I want to feel important enough to change...

Here's to 2013... The year of being unbroken

Postpartum perfection

so, i've been wanting to write this for a while. benson is almost 3 months already so i guess just over 2 months now. i think we, as women are especially hard on ourselves, and each other. maybe it's just me but i always feel so much pressure to be perfect. i compare myself to almost every other woman i see. am i as pretty as her, am i as fat as her or is she fatter than me, are her clothes cuter than mine, is she a better mom than me, she gets to volunteer in her kids' class and her hair is curled and she's thin... blah blah blah. i've judged myself a lot, not given myself permission to forgive myself and continue to compare myself to all of you. this is has gotten even worse over the last year, even more so since having benson.
after leaving benson's dad almost a year ago and finding out i was pregnant two weeks later i about fell apart. i went into our marriage knowing i wasn't in love, almost like a business deal, i knew together we'd be able to provide for our girls better than we could apart, i could be a mom to his daughter, he could be a dad to my girls etc, we wanted the same things out of life long term (or so he said). so even though this wasn't the ideal, perfect situation or reason to be getting married i was completely fine with it. imagine my surprise when it didn't work out exactly like i had planned. my world came crashing in on me the night he was arrested for domestic violence. i couldn't believe i was dealing with this a second time and that i had given up my house and a good job and uprooted the girls all for nothing. i was so embarrassed to know that i was going to be twice divorced, realizing at 29 years old that i was going to be single for the rest of my life (i don't think 3rd time's the charm applies to marriage). what would everyone at church think? what would the people who had tried to warn me about him think? what would my girls think, would they be ok? this definitely made me a worse mom than all of you.  i couldn't let that keep me in that relationship though, however hard things were going to be for me and the girls it would be better than staying.
we left, stayed in a hotel for a week before we could move into our temporary home. we went from our own 3 bedroom house with a huge yard, to the beautiful 5 bedroom house with a huge yard to a little 2 bedroom condo. it was hard but we were grateful to have somewhere to live. the week of Christmas i found out i was pregnant. i was literally devastated. i am ashamed to admit that i spent the first 3 months praying for a miscarriage. it wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to my girls and most importantly it wasn't fair to that little baby to be brought into this world with only me as a parent. when i went to my first appointment and saw the little bean on the ultrasound i sobbed, it was official. there was no pretending anymore that i was just getting fatter. i was gonna have a baby. by that point benson's dad had already told me that he didn't want anything to do with our baby. i had to start preparing myself to do it alone. prepping myself to be a working, single mom to 4 kids, one of whom was a newborn! i was scared out of my mind.
i had some support, i had friends who were (continue to be) amazing, but the people that i needed to support me the most didn't. at least not in the way i would've liked. it was an extremely difficult and lonely time, probably the longest 9 months of my life.  i had a lot of complications with this pregnancy and in fact 3 weeks before i was due i started to wonder if i would be able to do it alone, maybe i should give this baby up for adoption. i didn't feel connected to him at all, even the delivery was the hardest out of all of my 4 deliveries.
i expected his birth to be some kind of amazing, beautiful moment where i finally connected with this baby i had been carrying for 9 months. i didn't even cry, i felt like i was having an out of body experience almost. then i felt guilty for not crying when he was born. i looked at him across the delivery room and i liked him, he was so cute but he could've been anyone's baby. i remember thinking how odd that felt and for being so disappointed in myself for not feeling that connection. i was counting on the fact that i would feel that once he was born.when i nursed him right after they cleaned him up i still didn't feel anything, it was totally surreal.
they took us to the postpartum room and wheeled his little bassinet to the far side of the bed, i laid down with my back to him. i remember having to make myself turn over and look at him and still not feeling that maternal connection. i was devastated. i don't know if was because i had been up so long and i was exhausted or what but i just didn't feel it. i did finally make that connection with him a few hours after he was born. it was great but almost as soon as i made that connection something in my brain switched, i knew i would be getting visitors soon. i was so worried about how i looked, how fat i was (yes i had just given birth 4 hours prior) i wanted to get into some regular clothes, shower get some makeup on, so i did. i was humiliated every time someone came to visit. all i could think about was how they must be judging me.
when it was time to go home i felt amazing, i was so excited to have 6 weeks to spend with my little guy, the girls were all in school so i would just get to snuggle him all day. i couldn't wait to start running again, i hadn't felt so good physically since before i got pregnant. i cancelled some of the meals that were scheduled to be brought in because i was feeling so great. 10 days postpartum i bought a treadmill and went for my first jog. it wasn't fast or very long but it felt amazing! i would lose weight and be back in shape and ready to run my first 5k by the time i had to go back to work. people wouldn't be able to judge me. i was gonna have my $hit together.
14 days postpartum things changed. there were many days that i didn't get dressed, i couldn't get dressed. i would take the girls to school and come home and lay on the couch and hope that he would sleep for long periods of time. it was literally ALL i could do to feed him. i don't remember a lot of those days. i was completely uninterested in him. then i started having the panic attacks, i would wake up in the night heart racing, sweating, short of breath, or there were several times benson and i would be driving down the road and because i couldn't see him in the back seat or hear him i would start to think something was wrong, i would start hyperventilating and i would literally have to pull my car over to check on him. we stopped going places most of the time unless i had to. i started imaging all these horrible scenarios of things that would happen to him when i went back to work, i was certain he was gonna end up harmed in some way if i wasn't there to take care of him. i was a mess, i had completely fallen apart. i couldn't work out and i didn't want to associate with anyone most days. there were days people would knock on the door and i wouldn't/couldn't get up to answer the door.
 this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, i had just brought this beautiful, sweet boy into this world and i should be so happy. instead almost every single task felt huge and overwhelming. i couldn't handle most normal daily activities, but even worse than that i was humiliated that i was feeling this way. i didn't want to tell anyone because i didn't want them to know that i wasn't perfect.
i suffered through it mostly alone for weeks and when it got to be almost time to go back to work i realized that it wasn't getting better. i went to my dr and he validated everything i was feeling, put me on some medication and told me i wasn't a horrible person.
it's been terribly difficult for me to admit that i needed help, that i couldn't handle it all on my own. i wanted to write it down, i don't know how many people will read this but if even one person reads it and she feels like she's not alone then great!
i'm trying to be less judgemental of others but more importantly of myself. it's ok to have days where things aren't pretty, where the house isn't clean and my hair isn't perfect. it's ok that i didn't feel that immediate connection with benson. it's ok that it's taken me longer than i want to be able to run my first post-baby 5k or that i'm only 5 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. it's even ok that i made the mistake of marrying benson's dad, it was a mistake but the consequence was beautiful.

Starting over

May 12, 2011. July 1, 2011. October 21, 2011. December 9, 2011. December 20, 2011. Jan 4, 2012
These are dates that changed my life. Looking back I can feel a little piece of me breaking off on each of these dates. I can feel myself making compromises that I never thought I'd make. I never thought I'd find myself in the position I was in last year. I thought I had made enough changes over the previous 4 years that I would never be there again. Clearly I was wrong.
May 12, 2011- The day I said I'd marry him.
July 1, 2011- The day we got married.
October 21, 2011- The night he spent in jail for DV.
December 9, 2011- The day I left.
December 20, 2011- The day I found out I am carrying his child.
January 4, 2012- The day he told me never to contact him again and that he wanted nothing to do with this baby.

There are so many days that I am overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to be a working mom, a single mom and a mom of a newborn. I'm not sure how to wear all of those hats. There are so many days, especially now as my belly is growing, that I worry about what people are thinking and saying as I walk by. I have a baby in my belly and no ring on my hand. I am scared to death of the judgements of people I don't know. I recognize this is ridiculous, if I don't know them it shouldn't matter what they think of me. I guess I'm more afraid of the judgements from the people who do know me, who might know my situation and who have formed their own opinion.

I am so worried about my sweet daughters, I barely have enough time for them now. How am I supposed to manage all of this.

I am trying to lean on the Lord, it's easier said than done, at least for me. I'm trying to lean on my friends, but I'm sure they're getting sick of me being so stressed all the time. Besides, those people wont be there for the 2am feedings, or to help me at 6am when I have to get 4 little ones out the door. The thought of having to go back to work 6 short weeks after this baby is born is paralyzing. I've got to get used to doing things on my own again.

I had a new outlook when I woke up this morning. I was talking to a friend last night, telling him that i feel like an epic failure. I explained away warning signs, i believed someone who i probably shouldn't have, i didn't listen to the one Voice i should've listened to. He helped me remember that I got married because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls, and that I left because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls. He reminded me that nearly everything I do is for those girls and that, yes I made a mistake, but I rectified it as soon as I possibly could.

Tonight I'm going to go home, hug my babies, be thankful that the damage is minor, that we still have each other and find a reason to laugh with them. Then tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again.

bravery

You need to go here and read this. I don't care what your stance is on homosexuality, this is about SO much more than that.

This was my response to his article.

I just got around to reading your post. Bravo to you! 3 Cheers for you! I was raised Mormon, am still practicing and believe the doctrines I've been taught. I have an issue with those around me who can't accept someone who is gay, look down on those that struggle with addiction issues etc. I have often said my personal beliefs and some of my religious beliefs conflict each other. It's not my place to tell two people who are in love that they can't get married, regardless of what my religion teaches. I am on my second marriage, and unfortunately i'm not sure this one's going to last, but i know people who are gay who have been together for many, many years. their love is likely deeper than anything i've ever felt, they have taken the sanctity of marriage more serious than i did, even though they've never been married. i agree that we need to love everyone, the only thing that struck me a little bit is talking about spouse abusers and loving and accepting them. maybe this is where i get hung up, loving and accepting someone isn't the same as loving and accepting their choices or behaviors. maybe that's the secret to life, loving people sometimes in spite of the choices they've made. thank you for being brave enough to say what so many others wouldn't.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

heartache

after a lot of prayer about what has been going on in my home, i realized that prayer by itself isn't going to give me an answer, i have come up with several solutions that feel good and then something happens that makes that solution not seem like a viable one anymore. i have realized that i'm impatient when waiting for answers to prayers, especially in this situation because i want an immediate plan of action. even if i can't act on it immediately, i want to know what i'm going to do. i did come up with a plan that felt good but then things escalated here again and i didn't know if i could wait long enough to be able to carry out that plan. although i will say that even as i'm sitting here contemplating it, that plan feels the most peaceful. i didn't know where to turn in the scriptures for answers about what i'm dealing so i turned here which also took me to here. i learned a lot, some of it uplifting. the first article told me pretty much what i was looking for, i don't believe there is a physical safety issue but the verbal stuff is nearly unbearable. i have been ready to walk out the door, especially since my husband hasn't done anything to initiate the counseling that is needed, and doesn't even seem to think he's doing anything wrong but since i'm a stay-at-home mom now, i have no money to leave, no house to go to, no job to support my kids. i have felt like maybe i should wait it out, let the girls finish out the school year here and see if the court ordered counseling actually does some good. i am a firm believer that any two people can make a marriage work IF they are both working on it. things were particularly nasty this weekend and i was on the hunt for a job and a house and i was gonna get out as soon as i could, then after two days of hell, he came to me and told me he had made an appointment with our bishop. that crucial first step, but i had felt good about making the decision to leave and to do it as quickly as i am able. i submitted a bunch of resumes, even got a call for an interview, but i woke up this morning feeling like i shouldn't go to that interview, and that maybe i need to stick with that original plan. see, what i got out of that first article is that the Lord doesn't expect us to stay if it is unsafe, but we are required to forgive and we should be committed to our marriage (no matter how new it is) if the other person is putting forth effort too. the second article made me realize that i have a lot of work to do on my own, and how i speak to my children. it breaks my heart to think that i might be making them feel even a portion of what he is making me feel. letting my frustrations and hurt seep into my parenting is absolutely inexcusable. so, i guess this is a lot of rambling just to say as long as he's willing to go through the counseling i need to be willing to do it with him. i didn't get married just so i could divorced 5 months later, i really feel like this could be really good if he can get control of his anger. i guess since i have no where else to go right now anyway, this is the best option. here's to hoping...

heartache

i recognize that trials are a part of life. i feel like i've definitely had my fair share (and then some) but who doesn't. i am particularly struggling as of late, i've tried to come up with solutions to my problem and nothing i come up with seems to be right. i've relied on the Lord and still haven't gotten an answer. i don't know if i'm being impatient (which is probably true) or if i just suck at receiving answers to prayers... as i'm writing this i realize that i could do more to fully immerse myself in the things the Lord would have me do, and maybe that's why i haven't received an answer yet, or maybe it's just too soon to mkae a move, i'm not sure but whatever it is, it's making me feel very unsettled and i don't like feeling that way. what do you do when you're struggling?