heartache

after a lot of prayer about what has been going on in my home, i realized that prayer by itself isn't going to give me an answer, i have come up with several solutions that feel good and then something happens that makes that solution not seem like a viable one anymore. i have realized that i'm impatient when waiting for answers to prayers, especially in this situation because i want an immediate plan of action. even if i can't act on it immediately, i want to know what i'm going to do. i did come up with a plan that felt good but then things escalated here again and i didn't know if i could wait long enough to be able to carry out that plan. although i will say that even as i'm sitting here contemplating it, that plan feels the most peaceful. i didn't know where to turn in the scriptures for answers about what i'm dealing so i turned here which also took me to here. i learned a lot, some of it uplifting. the first article told me pretty much what i was looking for, i don't believe there is a physical safety issue but the verbal stuff is nearly unbearable. i have been ready to walk out the door, especially since my husband hasn't done anything to initiate the counseling that is needed, and doesn't even seem to think he's doing anything wrong but since i'm a stay-at-home mom now, i have no money to leave, no house to go to, no job to support my kids. i have felt like maybe i should wait it out, let the girls finish out the school year here and see if the court ordered counseling actually does some good. i am a firm believer that any two people can make a marriage work IF they are both working on it. things were particularly nasty this weekend and i was on the hunt for a job and a house and i was gonna get out as soon as i could, then after two days of hell, he came to me and told me he had made an appointment with our bishop. that crucial first step, but i had felt good about making the decision to leave and to do it as quickly as i am able. i submitted a bunch of resumes, even got a call for an interview, but i woke up this morning feeling like i shouldn't go to that interview, and that maybe i need to stick with that original plan. see, what i got out of that first article is that the Lord doesn't expect us to stay if it is unsafe, but we are required to forgive and we should be committed to our marriage (no matter how new it is) if the other person is putting forth effort too. the second article made me realize that i have a lot of work to do on my own, and how i speak to my children. it breaks my heart to think that i might be making them feel even a portion of what he is making me feel. letting my frustrations and hurt seep into my parenting is absolutely inexcusable. so, i guess this is a lot of rambling just to say as long as he's willing to go through the counseling i need to be willing to do it with him. i didn't get married just so i could divorced 5 months later, i really feel like this could be really good if he can get control of his anger. i guess since i have no where else to go right now anyway, this is the best option. here's to hoping...