Starting over

May 12, 2011. July 1, 2011. October 21, 2011. December 9, 2011. December 20, 2011. Jan 4, 2012
These are dates that changed my life. Looking back I can feel a little piece of me breaking off on each of these dates. I can feel myself making compromises that I never thought I'd make. I never thought I'd find myself in the position I was in last year. I thought I had made enough changes over the previous 4 years that I would never be there again. Clearly I was wrong.
May 12, 2011- The day I said I'd marry him.
July 1, 2011- The day we got married.
October 21, 2011- The night he spent in jail for DV.
December 9, 2011- The day I left.
December 20, 2011- The day I found out I am carrying his child.
January 4, 2012- The day he told me never to contact him again and that he wanted nothing to do with this baby.

There are so many days that I am overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to be a working mom, a single mom and a mom of a newborn. I'm not sure how to wear all of those hats. There are so many days, especially now as my belly is growing, that I worry about what people are thinking and saying as I walk by. I have a baby in my belly and no ring on my hand. I am scared to death of the judgements of people I don't know. I recognize this is ridiculous, if I don't know them it shouldn't matter what they think of me. I guess I'm more afraid of the judgements from the people who do know me, who might know my situation and who have formed their own opinion.

I am so worried about my sweet daughters, I barely have enough time for them now. How am I supposed to manage all of this.

I am trying to lean on the Lord, it's easier said than done, at least for me. I'm trying to lean on my friends, but I'm sure they're getting sick of me being so stressed all the time. Besides, those people wont be there for the 2am feedings, or to help me at 6am when I have to get 4 little ones out the door. The thought of having to go back to work 6 short weeks after this baby is born is paralyzing. I've got to get used to doing things on my own again.

I had a new outlook when I woke up this morning. I was talking to a friend last night, telling him that i feel like an epic failure. I explained away warning signs, i believed someone who i probably shouldn't have, i didn't listen to the one Voice i should've listened to. He helped me remember that I got married because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls, and that I left because I wanted to provide a better life for my girls. He reminded me that nearly everything I do is for those girls and that, yes I made a mistake, but I rectified it as soon as I possibly could.

Tonight I'm going to go home, hug my babies, be thankful that the damage is minor, that we still have each other and find a reason to laugh with them. Then tomorrow I'm going to do it all over again.