So I said this year was going to be about fixing my brokenness... I've been thinking a lot about how to go about doing that. Most of my problems center around a lack of self esteem or a crappy sense of self worth, or no self confidence... Whatever you want to call it.
I figured if I can fix that I can fix everything else too. How does one gain self esteem or improve their self image or think they are worthy of good things and love and being treated kindly.
I decided to make a list of words that I would use to describe myself:
And this is where I run out of things, I start to feel conceited for saying these things.
Then the very next thought I have is 'but you're fat.'
I realized that I have decided that the extra 25 lbs I'm carrying around negate all those things, that the extra weight make me unworthy to receive love or to be treated good. I worry if i go on a date that whoever I'm with will be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I self sabotage good relationships/friendships so that I don't hafta hear them tell me they don't want me because I'm fat.
I don't even know where to begin to fix this. I don't have the energy to work out right now but i also don't think it's as easy as just losing the weight.
I think this is going to be a long, tough year.