heartache or happiness? you decide

i was cleaning out some drawers yesterday and came across a talk i gave about 3 years ago:

Ether 12: 6 reads, "and now, i, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things i would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith..." having faith in Christ seems like a very basic and simple idea. however, for some of us it doesn't always come so easily. Elder Richard G Scott said, "it is important for us to trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance." when we are going through trials and hardships often times is it is all too easy to blame the Lord, even though most of the time the bulk of the responsibility for our own problems falls on our own shoulders. we should really be thanking the Lord for the opportunity he has given us to grow and learn from our trials. Elder Nelson said, "we will not overcome a trial or challenge until we have received the full benefit of it." when i heard that quote in relief society a few weeks ago i started thinking about the last  years of my life and how much i could have benefited from having that knowledge. i got married at 18 and almost immediately after my life took a turn down a road that i wasn't expecting or could have prepared. my husband was verbally and physically abusive to me off and on for years and consequently we separated 3 times, however each time he would ask to come back. being raised in the gospel i didn't want my family to be broken up, so each time he asked to come back i prayed about it and each time i had the distinct impression that i should give things another try. there were many times that i questioned the Lord's plan for me and my girls and why He would want us to endure such heartache. i felt as if i had done everything in my power to keep my little family together and there were several occasions that i  wondered what i was supposed to be learning. a little over a year ago things got pretty bad and i knew it was finally time to leave for good. i knew that we had endured the hardship long enough. i thought for sure things would be easier for us, and while they have been in some ways, i could never have imagined the new trials we would have to face. over the past year i had to do as Elder Richard G Scott said "and never doubt the reality of faith." i had to learn how to follow the principles God has established for its use. some of those principles are to simply obey His commandments and live to demonstrate He can trust us, be sensitive to quiet promptings of the Spirit and then act courageously on those promptings. those last two have been difficult for me. i always wanted loud, obvious promptings or answers that required very little faith on my part. i wanted answers given to me without having to work too hard for them. we are counseled to be patient and understanding when God lets us struggle to grow and answers come apiece at a time over an extended period. James 1:3-4 says, "the trying of your faith worketh patience. but let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." i am definitely working on being patient and trying to understand why the Lord wanted me to struggle for so many years. i think i am starting to understand it a little bit more each day. there are goals that i have accomplished recently that i certainly wouldn't have appreciated as much had i not had to work so hard to achieve them. i went through the Temple last saturday and it was a beautiful, fulfilling, enriching experience. i never imagined i would be going through the Temple as a single woman, but that's the beauty of having a Heavenly Father, we don't have to try to imagine how things are going to play out for us. we just have to have faith that He knows what's best for us and know that as long as we are trying our best to follow His commandments and get a little closer to Him every day, He will take care of the rest. He will bestow upon us greater rewards than we can ever imagine. i can testify of that. my life has changed so much over the past year because of small changes that i made. when we keep the Lord's commandments He blesses us, not only because He wants to but because He promises the He will. Hebrews 11:6 says, "but without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." i know that if we have faith in Christ through our trials and just as importantly, through easy times, He will bless us. That promise has not and will not ever change, because the Lord's love for us will never change. i know that faith is the foundation for out testimonies; it and all the other principles of the gospel are true. i know that having faith in Christ means sustaining the leaders he appointed to guide us. i know that President Monson is one of those leaders and that if we obey his commands we will not be led astray.

heartache

sick babies

happiness

with my brother jake being on a mission i kind of feel the need to help the missionaries in our area. we were finally able to have them over for dinner last night. it was so nice to have them here and bring the Spirit with them. we had nice conversation, simple but yummy food, the girls were all perfectly behaved, and we even had ice cream sundaes for dessert. the elders ended the night on a spiritual note. elder schumacher shared a scripture with us: Mosiah 24:12- And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts. he explained to us that at this time Alma and his people were in prison and were told that they would be killed if they were caught praying. Alma told his people to pray in their hearts, the Lord would know the desires of their hearts. he also said a prayer before they left, he said he was thankful to be in our home and feel of our happiness.  things have been fairly tumultuous lately in our home so it made me feel so good to hear that.i'm grateful for the Gospel and the opportunities it affords us to serve and be able to constantly feel the Spirit if we are willing to put forth a little bit of effort.

heartache

kimber, maddy and ellie's dad and i divorced a few years ago and for whatever reason he's struggled with being an active parent. i've run through all the emotions that come along with that, most of the time now i don't even think about it, especially now that they have rob. however every once in a while things creep in and bother me. most recently, it was ellie's birthday and he didn't call, neither did anyone in his family. i'm not sure why it bothers me so much, i should just expect it by now, but it does, it also makes me a little bit sad that ellie didn't even notice. when i voiced this opinion someone responded with "Sometimes people have the devils within themselves that take up all their thoughts. Sometimes we're quick to make judgements without realizing the struggles being gone through. For what its worth I hope she had a good birthday"
I said "unfortunately this isn't the first time they have been ignored by their family. it's been happening for years. i'm not quick to judge, i know as well as the next guy that people have struggles, i've certainly had my fair share, sometimes we have to put our struggles, selfish desires and egos aside for the sake of the children. since you don't know how many times i've done that maybe you're the one that's being quick to judge. i guess i should stop having expectations of their dad but your mom and i just had several conversations about his side of the family being more involved and not just coming into their lives sporadically, in fact it was my only condition for her seeing them, i will just be grateful that someone stepped in to make up for what your brother isn't willing to do..."
i guess it's time for me to realize that
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist
- Michael Levine

Welcome to The Hardee House!

i've never been great about keeping my blog current. i figured however, that new life should equal new blog. hopefully now that i have more time i will be able to keep this current with the things i want to record. rob and i are the parents we met at the beginning of 2011 and got married july 1st. it's been a whirlwind and a roller coaster so far but i wouldn't choose anyone else to take this ride with! together we have 4 daughters: courtney is 14, kimber is 9, maddy is 6 and our little ellie just turned 5. i  describe our lives as halfway between heaven and hell, full of moments of heartache and happiness. these are some of those moments...