Realizations

So I said this year was going to be about fixing my brokenness... I've been thinking a lot about how to go about doing that. Most of my problems center around a lack of self esteem or a crappy sense of self worth, or no self confidence... Whatever you want to call it.
I figured if I can fix that I can fix everything else too. How does one gain self esteem or improve their self image or think they are worthy of good things and love and being treated kindly.
I decided to make a list of words that I would use to describe myself:
I am:
Smart
Funny
Kind
Generous
Compassionate
Empathetic

And this is where I run out of things, I start to feel conceited for saying these things.

Then the very next thought I have is 'but you're fat.'

I realized that I have decided that the extra 25 lbs I'm carrying around negate all those things, that the extra weight make me unworthy to receive love or to be treated good. I worry if i go on a date that whoever I'm with will be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I self sabotage good relationships/friendships so that I don't hafta hear them tell me they don't want me because I'm fat.

I don't even know where to begin to fix this. I don't have the energy to work out right now but i also don't think it's as easy as just losing the weight.

I think this is going to be a long, tough year.

Hopefulness

"I myself am entirely made of flaws stitched together with good intentions"

I am broken. I have been for as long as I can remember. I'm really good at fixing broken things, I just can't fix myself. It's extremely frustrating to recognize everything that is wrong with me and want to change it and not know how. I don't even know where to start.

I've never been good at setting and accomplishing goals. I'm a quitter. When things get hard I quit. The only thing I've never quit at is parenting, but I've thought about it...

I don't like myself. I don't mean Im saying i don't like myself so that people will tell me I'm cool, I really don't like myself. Mostly I hate my physical self. I have since elementary school. One time someone asked me what my favorite physical feature is a out me... I had nothing. Now I can say that sometimes with the right makeup I like my eyes. Baby steps people...

I'm not a great mom. I'm impatient, I'm inconsistent, I get angry and I'm not good at teaching them things. I am failing miserably at this oh so important task. Nothing in this life or the next is more important and I suck royally at it.

I have a testimony but at times it's pretty shaky. I'm easily swayed and that makes me dislike myself even more... I don't read scriptures or say prayers regularly at all...

When kimber asked me what my resolution was I about cried... My resolution is to not be broken. I want to be whole, I want to like me, I want to like being a mom again, I want my kids to like me again. I don't want to feel like an outsider at church. I want to know how to set attainable goals but mostly I want to feel important enough to change...

Here's to 2013... The year of being unbroken